After a sandwich in the rather shabby BA lounge at TXL I ventured down to security screening which operated with the sort of ruthless inefficiency I would normally associate with Indian Bureaucracy. Three passport checks within 15 metres and a hopelessly inadequate screening process. (The flight was late departing because of the screening bottleneck.)
As you have probably guessed my iPhone5 was not to be seen at the lost property office and I resigned myself to filing a police report.
Public transport and Tony Hancock are not two things that meet very often, but I had decided to try the Heathrow Express and, unusually for the UK, it is very effective. Fifteen minutes to Paddington station. I jumped on The Tube at Paddington and half an hour later I was being shown to the lifts at the Tower Bridge Hilton.
I called the Police crime reporting number and reported my phone as stolen, and then headed off to The Shipwright Arms and downed four pints of bitter in 50 minutes. Hic. (I was having an off day so apologies for a very disappointing performance on the drinking beer front.)
The Exec Lounge was being refurbished so space was made available on the second floor for a temporary lounge. It was a little noisy, because of the lobby bar, but adequate and the food and drink offerings were fine.
I awoke to the sound of my Blackberry ringing, it was the Metropolitan Police following up on my crime report. “CCTV you say? Why yes there must have been CCTV at LHR T5 security screening” I said. “Aghh perhaps, but I think it is wiped after two days” came the response. Two days....the same period of time it take for things to get to Lost Property. Mmmmmmmm.
After a hearty breakfast. I love black pudding, I took a stroll along The Thames. I hadn’t done that for years and despite the cool, grey, day it was actually quite pleasant.
LHR was as busy as ever. The QF F check in desk is not in the same league as the MEL one and if I’m honest the staff are not what I would call customer focussed. No op-up, this was going to be serious I was about to spend twenty odd hours in a cramped seat.
No secondary screening? What’s going on there then? I suppose I should be thankful.
The T3 BA F lounge is OK, but it is a little worn and is a bit of a come down from the T5 F lounge, but the wine is good and the food offerings OK. I took the opportunity to eat in the lounge rather than on the plane. I was not filled with desire to eat a Y dinner.
Green light, no it can’t be. 
I willed the boarding pass scanner to beep and flash a red light but it didn’t. Oh the humiliation of turning right on the top deck and beginning the long walk through J and Y+ to get to 35K. I looked around the cabin and managed to get my backpack in the overhead space above my row, and my rollaboard into the overhead space above row 34. There really is not enough overhead space in this cabin. My jacket went in with my rollaboard in the absence of any other options.
The chap next to me introduced himself. I hate that. Great now I have someone who wants to talk to me. "Sigh".
We took off and I waited patiently for my personal greeting from the CSM or the cabin supervisor. I continued to wait. I waited through the dinner service, I chose not to eat. I waited as I poured wine from a small bottle into a plastic cup. I continued to wait through episodes four, five and six of House of Cards. (The US version, it is OK but not a patch on the UK version.) Finally I dozed and slipped in and out of consciousness as I battled with the discomfort.
About an hour out of Singapore the cabin supervisor finally appeared, standing for what seemed like an age, trying to match the pax manifest with the actual pax. “Was everything OK MR Hancock” she said, I responded with “I guess OK”. “Oh” she said. I explained that I was a little disappointed and felt a little undervalued as a P1 frequent flyer.
At least there was the EK lounge to look forward to in SIN, and it did not disappoint. A fillet steak and two G&T’s later and life seemed a little better.
Unfortunately QF10 was awful, and I can’t blame QF too much for the discomfort I suffered for over 8 hours. The chap next to me was a big sort of fellow. Now I’m not exactly slim, but I don’t need to occupy 10% of my neighbour’s seat in Y. I do however need my full seat to be in some comfort though.
No visit from the CSM or the cabin supervisor, I was really beginning to understand what it is like to travel as an NB. Oh the inhumanity!!!
If all goes to plan I will not need to do this again...ever...however one financial crisis and this will be my lot again! Please can everybody go out and buy lots of fridges and cars and pretty much anything with steel in it.
Having unpacked, showered, filled the washing machine, and glugged back a couple of Red Bulls I raced to the Apple Store to buy a new iPhone5.
I really do love Apple, particularly their 14 day money back returns policy. How much fun it was to head back to the Apple Store to return my new iPhone5 the next day. Funnily enough within one business day of The Police contacting lost property my iPhone5 magically appeared. Yes seven days after disappearing it reappeared. Perhaps it had just been on holiday. I have a great deal of cynicism, I can’t help thinking that if I had immediately contacted The Police it might have magically appeared within 48 hours of disappearing....I really do hope I’m wrong though. I do need to have more faith and less cynicism when it comes to humankind.....or then again maybe not.
I get five and a bit days before I head back to Blighty again.....but in J and F. Oh how I will bore you with that.
An early diary entry necessitated by a) boredom and b) my relatively imminent shiraz induced stupor.
Circumstances combined to leave me in the MEL F lounge three hours and ten minutes ahead of the planned departure of QF9. So, to recap, just under a week ago I was heading back to Australia cursing QF for a lack of customer service, however today QF is back in my good books.
Firstly my Y adventure traumatised me so much that I requested a points upgrade, from J to F, on QF1. This was duly granted and I'm 35,000 points, I can't really afford to spare, worse off, but at least know the CSM will come and visit me! (Am I that vain that I would sacrifice future comfort for a visit from the CSM? err apparently yes!)
I have spent two days pressing F5 (that is the key my computer not First Class availability!) on my saved flight availability query on ExpertFlyer. I know it is sad but how I love to see Y0. Alas I have not seen Y0 for QF9, I have unfortunately seen a lot of Y9. This is highly unsatisfactory. F9 (That really is First Class availability rather than the key on my computer) gave me hope until Thursday when it turned into a rather poor F2 (yep still first Class availability!). This obsession with availability is beginning to concern me, although not enough to do anything about it!!
The First Class Check-in Suite is my favourite part of QF, and sadly my life. It is a calm oasis in the excrement hole that is MEL INT. The swish of the automatic doors and the smiling, welcoming faces is one of the great wonders of QF. I am perhaps a little biased in my assessment, on the last four trips to Blighty I have received an op-up or complimentary upgrade for the leg from MEL.
Today was to be no different. As I entered the through those swishing automatic doors I already knew I was about to hear good news. I had been refreshing the seat map for this leg on EF for the previous 50 minutes on my journey to MEL. (...and no I wasn't driving.) Three hours and fifty five minutes before departure seat 12E mysteriously transformed from occupied to blocked. Whilst ordinarily I am an economy plastic cup half full sort of fellow I had experienced this scenario four times previously.
Seat 1K was to be my new home for eight(ish) hours. Far from ideal but not on the "Truman Show" A and F side , although I would have settled for 2A, 3A, or 4A. (I had to settle for 3A on QF1 because 2K, 3K and 4K had already been snaffled up. )
So to bring things up to date I'm two glasses of Cliff's Edge 2008 (hic) into my F Lounge visit, and have already "stuck with tradition" and consumed the club sandwich and.....drum roll.......F Lounge Chips!
Unusually I'm not sitting in my regular seat....and through choice. I have opted for a seat in one of the two TV areas and am watching the England v funny little country where the commentators seem to struggle with vowels Cricket Test match.
For once I am content with my lot. Does life actually get any better than this?
(I am not, however, going to have one of those funny looking desserts with a wig though.)
"Yes OK the new safety video is a step up from the rather absurd cricket video but it is not worthy of dragging the CSM over to tell her" I thought to myself as the chap in 2K went on and on and on and on about the safety video he believed was the best he had ever seen. He was still going on about it as we disembarked in SIN...but I am getting way ahead of myself.
1K was a new seat for me. My first impressions were good, like 1A it does have a more enclosed feel about it than the other seats and it was on my preferred side of the 380. The most annoying thing about the F seats on the 380 is the place for magazines/safety card/My iPad!
Why on earth is it held in place with press studs. Every single flight I have taken it has come away from its fixing and dumped the contents on the floor.
I still don't really understand champagne. It's OK but it is not my thing really, however I did enjoy the olives and almonds, and due to a minor technical issue that kept us on the ground for an extra half hour I felt compelled to consume an extra glass or two of the champagne.
The view from 1K.
"Potato and Leek soup followed by the pork please" I heard myself say. It had been preceded by "sparkling mineral water" a phrase rarely heard from my lips. I hardly needed the crumbed pork with carrots and potatoes, but thought I would try it anyway. It proved excellent, in fact probably the best dish I have had in QF F. (I'm not a fan of Neil Perry) What topped it off for me was the hot english Mustard. The SC Pannell Shiraz Grenache was pleasant, but I can't help feeling QF is lowering it's standards in the wine department. It doesn't seem that long ago that I was polishing off bottles of RWT in F. (Mind you with riff-raff like me quaffing away in F it could be argued that it is dropping it's standards in pax too! )
The cheese platter at least included a blue varietal and the dessert wine, a Riesling from Tasmania that I was far to #ahem# "happy" to remember the name of went down rather easily......hic!
A much reported issue with the A380, and not just in F, is the noise from conversation. The A380 is very quiet, and with decent noise cancelling headphones is a dream to fly from the background noise perspective.....but conversations can be clearly heard. That is why I know that "Mr Safety Video" in 2K absolutely loves the new QF safety video. He just would not shut up about it, to the extent that I paid extra interest on my next leg to see if I could pick up the greatness of this sure to be Oscar nominated effort. He wittered on for what seemed like hours and spoilt my mini stupor.
The EK SIN lounge was, well, pretty much the same has it had been the previous Monday, and the Friday two weeks ago. It was quiet and relaxing. I didn't have the fillet steak this week, but did have a "semi" non alcoholic G&T. (Bombay Sapphire for those keen to know the spirits offering in the EK lounge.) I vowed to have an alcohol free QF1.
OK, the Safety Video is definitely an improvement upon the cricket one, but it is not exactly up there with the NZ Bear Grylls video.
"The St Hallet Shiraz would be lovely please", I said, breaking my vow immediately, "and perhaps a cheese platter rather than the main meal". I was on board QF1 and sitting in 3A. I wasn't at all tired. In retrospect I hadn't really got back on to Australian time following my last jaunt - an occupational hazard. In fact I was wide awake and in need on something to help me sleep. The Glenlivet did the trick, mmm it was third one or perhaps a combination of the three that actually did the trick. zzzzzzzzzzz and time to wake up!!!
A light bird seed (I think they called it muesli) breakfast and a cup of tea was actually just the tonic I needed to pick me up before landing. (I had a slight fuzziness in my head).
As usual our arrival was a complete surprise to the LHR ground staff who took a good 15 minutes to get the aerobridges sorted out. Ten minutes later I was sitting on the floor outside of the lost property office awaiting the 7:00 AM opening time.
The AA arrivals lounge is OK, it is a little dingy but it served it's purpose. Breakfast wasn't too bad. I needed the bacon, sausage and egg after the birdseed starter on board QF1.
I killed an hour or so before heading off to Europcar to collect yet another non upgraded Vauxhall Insignia that appeared to have not been placed in a demolition derby.
As I write this I am at the end of my second trip to Blighty in four weeks. I haven't had a weekend at home for over a month. On this trip I consider myself lucky, an op-up to F on my first leg from Australia, followed by a points upgrade to F, and then a FASA back o Melbourne. At least the journey was a little less unpleasant.
I have decided to pursue a best price policy for car rental on the basis that all the providers appear to me to be rubbish. The Vauxhall Integra supplied by Europcar looked like it had been driven to destruction in a stock car race. I am yet to experience an upgrade in Blighty despite clocking up over 60 rental days there last year. Avis is no better.
Hilton served me well again. I know I do rather witter on about it but I absolutely love that VA status match. Only three nights for me, but all were mighty fine, including a King Junior Suite at the Birmingham Metropole. 
Junior Suite at the NEC Hilton
The Holiday Inn at Wolverhampton sees little of me these days.....and I felt guilty checking in for one night. There is a delightful lady from the Caribbean behind the desk, who always remembers my name and has the most beautiful accent. She is just lovely, but sadly wasted on the Holiday Inn. I do feel rather guilty when only checking in for the one night.
I contemplated checking in online for my return and not going to the QF check in desk at LHR, but in a bout of incompetence managed to lose my seat selection in QF10 from SIN to MEL.
LHR T3 is dreadful in just about every way. The F check in is even made to feel shoddy. It just looks run down. I received my "voucher" for the F lounge restaurant so raced off to what is amusingly known as Fastrack Security. You have to love the British sense of humour and irony.
I felt like Basil Fawlty must have felt when his car broke down. I wanted to grab the nearest tree branch and just beat the x-ray machine. (Actually I really wanted to beat the idiot that dreamt up LHR's security process.)
VAT refunds. Unfortunately AFF's policy on expletives does not allow me to enunciate my true feelings about this process. I cleverly, or so I thought, avoided the long queues landside and headed to the queue of nine people airside. These nine people were queuing in order to receive a stamp to enable them to join a queue of six people to get a refund. The processing time for the former seemed to be about 15 minutes per person. Overall a well designed process to deter people claiming their rightful refund. I opted out and began my traditional duty free run. (It hardly seemed worth it for GBP27.50)
A trip to Blighty is not complete without buying Swarovski Crystal from the boutique in Harrods. It is also not complete without me uttering 'I'll just pop to Thomas Pink whilst you turn the store upside down for the correct box'. This visit was no different. Thomas Pink duly delivered to me one of their excellent Traveller Shirts and Harrods finally stumped up the Swarovski Crystal in the correct box, and I would probably avoid a chilly reception at home.
I had decided to attempt slumber on QF2 and that meant avoiding eating early on. I decided to finally try the BA F Lounge restaurant. It is an odd little room with tables arranged against the windows and set for one person. I suspect many here would love the the views over, what I am reliably informed, is the the apron. (It's all beyond me.) It is a bit posher than the QF SYD or MEL F lounges, but not as nice...if that makes sense. I fitted in much as a duck enjoys life without water. It was relatively empty but reeked of pretentiousness, which made me wonder why I was not thoroughly enjoying it. I have had tens of opportunities to "enjoy" the F dining but have never felt like I wanted too. I typically enjoy the BA burger in the main lounge, and the wine is no different, tonight I made the decision to eat early rather than in-flight....although I suspect this means I'll eat twice.
Carrot and Parsley soup followed by roast chicken with mange tout (snow peas - which I believe is the correct term....why anyone would prefer a French term is beyond me......even though I just used it myself.) and mashed potatoes proved to be surprisingly good. The Chilean Syrah was not bad at all.
The main F lounge was unusually empty, but I'm not quite sure what to deduce from that. The 18 year old Glenlivet passed the quality test......two or three times just to be sure, and I managed to squeeze my new Thomas Pink Shirt into my rollaboard. Preparations were complete for the hike to Gate 1. Unlike two weeks ago there was no rush to get to the gate. Acres of locker space awaited me.......as did a chilled sparkling water. I'm really getting fed up of the sparkling white wine stuff.
My carefully selected 3K was not to serve me well. Mr and Mr have a chat in 2F and 2K were unbearably annoying. The giggly FA didn't help matters either as she blocked the aisle chatting away to the chuckle brothers.
To be fair QF does F well, and it wasn't long before an utterly charming FA, had me settled in with my pyjamas and amenity kit. For the first time ever I changed into pyjamas on a flight. I have always felt a little uncomfortable, and I think I still would in J, but it proved to be an excellent move.
Steak sandwich with the Yarra Yering Dry Red No1 2004, followed by an apple and rhubarb crumble with ice cream with the Riesling dessert wine, was all very nice. I slipped into an alcohol induced coma for almost 9 hours then.
I had decided to be sensible about the wine and had chosen the Yarra Yering because it was low in alcohol.(Only 13%) Fortunately it was not low in body and went rather well with the steak sandwich.
When I awoke I found the crew to be a fraction less attentive that I would have hoped...although his was put right by the arrival of my favourite FA who soon had me eating breakfast.
Why is it that airlines fail so miserably with breakfast? I opted for the scrambled eggs, pork and leek sausage, braised beans, and mushrooms. Unusually the scrambled eggs were not too bad, the beans were awful, the sausage dry and overlooked whilst the mushrooms were passable. The toast was, as it always is, barely edible. Bread, rolls apart, never seems to be good in flight. I always find it chewy with hard crusts. The English Breakfast tea served as a mighty fine pick me up.
The Emirates lounge with it's welcoming empty couches, fully stocked bar, and half decent food is, and has been a delight over the last four weeks. A couple of stiff G&T's and I was feeling rather marvellous. What is more I was on annual leave, two whole weeks. That of course doesn't stop customers and my boss continuing to contact me. Two calls whilst in the SIN lounge.
I'm not sure what has happened at SIN, priority boarding was always handled so well, but now it is really a bit of a free for all. The lanes are there but the volume of pax milling around the boarding area makes it incredibly difficult to get to the priority lane.
Nine glorious hours of sleep on QF2 meant I was wide awake and completely out of sync for my return to Australia. Absolutely lovely crew, fabulous FA looking after me, although to be fair she was so engaging she could have treated me as badly as QF used to a year or so ago, and I would have still been happy. I guess being drop dead gorgeous was in her favour, but she was so engaging and pleasant, with the most incredible smile, it was a pleasure being a passenger. I was almost enjoying flying. I suspect for her having to deal with a middle aged, overweight, balding halfwitted DYKWIA probably wasn't the highlight of her day.
I opted for a low alcohol, well it was only 13%, Yarra Yering Dry Red No 1 2004, and my oh my it went down rather well. Hic.
Thank god we have metal eating weaponry back on QF. I am certain I could not have cut the bread without it. A hacksaw would have been more appropriate but the metal knife was not bent completely out of shape hacking through the wholemeal slice.
The ham hock was tasty and quite filling, when did Fred Perry start creating simple and tasty dishes? Actually I take that back, the main courses were Tomato, Basil and Olive Linguini, Stir Fried Black Pepper Prawns, and Chicken Kapitan with Roti Canai, I have no idea what the latter was. I would have gone for the prawns but I tend to choose my wine first and then make the meal match...........another steak sandwich it was then!
For the last 10 years dessert has always been cheese.....but with Apple and Rhubarb crumble, and Sticky Toffee pudding my habit was changing. I'm also a recent convert to the dessert wine.
Sticky Toffee Pudding with Vanilla Cream was too tempting and I am growing rather fond of the Frogmore Creek Iced Riesling. I was not disappointed.
Sleep was not going to be an option so the new BBC production of The Lady Vanishes was to be my viewing pleasure. Why did the BBC remake this? It was not a patch on Hitchcock movie.....even though Keeley Hawes was in it. Watchable but disappointing would be my review.
I'm not sure whether it was the bottle of red and the bottle of dessert wine or the point in Dan Snow's documentary about the British railways where the bubble burst for the first time causing a run on gold that sent me into a short nap, but either way it was two hours before I awoke.
Breakfast was just a cup of tea, I really didn't feel like eating and held off the vodka in a bid to give my liver a short holiday, before the onslaught of the five day NZ v England Test Match.
Other than a week at Christmas every year I have not had a week’s annual leave since 2003. (Why oh why was I persuaded to go to Bali.....the crap bit?)
This year I had two whole weeks off of which six days would be spent in Auckland. Yes I was going to watch the final NZ v England Test. With one former cricketing colleague over from Blighty and two former colleagues living in Auckland it was to be an alcohol fueled frenzy of cricket to the accompaniment of Billy Cooper’s trumpet!
One night at home, after my March Blighty trip, and it was back to MEL and Eggs Benedict with smoked salmon, two grilled tomatoes and a pot of English Breakfast tea in the F lounge. I was on QF131 and it was lightly loaded with less than half of J sold. My assumption was that the P1 team would work there magic and whisk me at least one row forward.....but alas and alack it was not to be. To rub salt into the wound 4B was freed up so I didn’t even have a shadow. Hmmph.
I decided to stick with 4A in order to find out what sort of person picks 4B........ I’m not sure why because I would probably pick it over 10B or even 10A or 17C etc etc!
As I prepared myself to head to the gate, with a glass of Squealing Pig Sauvignon Blanc, and rather smartly dressed gentleman approached me to ask me to leave the lounge. No he wasn’t throwing me out, well he was but not in the way you are thinking, the terminal was being evacuated.
I, along with all other occupants, headed down the escalator to find absolutely no one leaving the terminal. I decided to sit it out at the gate when I saw security peeps heading through the terminal. At that point I realised the complete inanity of my actions and what would be waiting for me airside dawned upon me. Yes a queue to rival all queues. I bolted back to the security area to be herded back into the pre security lanes. I suspect I made the first two or three hundred.
My Express card counted for nought! Oh the inhumanity!!!!!! 
To be fair the process was very well handled, but then as it had happened the previous week those involved were clearly prepared for it. Everyone went through the rescreening process but there was no requirement to go through the immigration process again.
The whole affair took about 45 minutes which of course delayed many flights including QF131. I had nothing urgent to attend to in AKL so made the most of my extra hour in the F lounge......hic.....hic.
Previous JetConnect experiences had been very good for me. I found crews to be attentive and WP recognition excellent. Not so on this flight. It was a very average crew.
In the end 4B was empty, so 4A proved very comfortable. As I settled in a “gentleman” boarded late, approached the chap in 5C and told him it was his lucky day. He wandered further back to load his carry on bag into overhead locker space that was empty. Upon return he told Mr 5C that he had been upgraded. Eventually the CSM escorted Mr 5C into J and the “gentleman” took his seat. He explained to the man in 5A that there was no way he was sitting at the back of the plane. It turned out to be Grant Hackett.
AKL is one of those international airports that is just about the right size. It is a breeze to get through and has the added joy of having the Smartgate process for Australian passports.
I had pre ordered a nano sim for my iPad mini and it was duly waiting in the Vodofone store. All up NZ$50 got me 3GB of data. (NS$20 for the sim and another NZ$30 top up.) I was due to stay at the Crowne Plaza and The Hilton, and whilst the latter was taken care of with diamond status wifi at the former was as much as useless. (Roughly $NZ30 for 250 MB!!!)
50,000 HH points had secured me a standard Hilton Guest Room which was upgraded to a King Hilton Deluxe Harbour View. I received two drinks vouchers as well as the usual complimentary breakfast, two bottle of water and free internet. All in all pretty decent. I was surprised to have also picked up the 1000 point Diamond My Way bonus.
The Crowne Plaza was a paid for three night stay. I booked a King club room and received a corner King Club Room. The club lounge is a bit on the small side with drinks served by an attendant. On night one it was populated by members of the Sky crew covering the test match and as much as I would like to moan about them they were really really nice. Nick Knight really is a gentleman.
New Zealand was by far the best team in a test match where England turned up for very brief spells on days one to four and for most of the last day. Fascinating match though and a useful reminder of why Test cricket really is the ONLY form of the game to watch.
One last night, on points, at The Hilton resulted in another upgrade to a King Harbour Deluxe and another 1000 bonus points.
Auckland from the top floor of The Hilton
“An upgrade request is in the system for you, but you’ll need to check at the gate to see if it has gone through” are the words you do not want to hear when you check in if you are a P1. From experience, four times now, it means you ain’t going anywhere but the seat on your boarding card. To top things off the seat blocked off next to me turned out to be occupied by a PS. Why oh why do you do this QF? There were heaps of middle seats left, why go out of your way to annoy your P1’s?
So March is almost over and I have another four months of my QF year to run. I have finally cracked the 3000 SC mark. It has been a hard slog. I’m toying with going over to AA for my BA flights to Blighty in July, but am still uncertain if this will really benefit me.
Oh, and having said I’d be wanting to avoid Y trips to Blighty I’m doing another one in June! I have since made a mental note not to book flights on my iPad after copious beer and wine.
April involves a trip to Montreal and Orlando! (I'm looking forward to neither!) Oh yes and a one nighter up to NTL.